His eyes squint to sharpen his focus on the conversation. "So what is good sex to you then?" he says.
"It's where both partners are in such a state of connection that any and every contact floods your whole body with electricity" I say. "Even her hand on you knee with clothes on can send you into involuntary trembling."
"Um, ok. So how do I do that?" he asks.
"I mean, there's nothing I can just tell you to do. You have to be able to feel."
"But c'mon. Everyone's got moves. Every woman I've slept with had her moves. Like 'Oh, she's doing that tongue thing again...' "
"Yes and a person develops 'a move' when they spontaneously do something that gets a great response. Then they try to replicate the response by replicating the move whether or not it actually works. When you sensitize yourself you learn to feel the resonant action in every moment, so it's like you're creating new 'move' in every moment."
Let's talk about sex. But first, HowStuffWorks.com on "How to Make a Wine Glass Sing":
Every material (such as glass, steel, concrete) has a natural frequency at which it vibrates, called a resonant frequency. If you put energy into the substance at its resonant frequency, you will force it to vibrate or resonate. In the case of the wine glass, your finger slides and sticks along the surface of the glass as you rub the rim. The rubbing imparts energy to the glass molecules and causes them to resonate. The motion of your hand sets up a wave of vibration traveling through the glass. The vibrating glass causes air molecules to vibrate at the same frequency. The vibrating air molecules are the sound wave that you hear (the frequency or pitch of the sound wave is the same as the resonant frequency of the glass).
For each moment sexual contact (a "stroke") there is a precise location, speed, and pressure that is most resonant with the given moment. There's is no one best sex move; but there is the resonant stroke for this moment, and the next, and the next. What makes someone good in bed is the sensitivity to feel the best move in the moment. By feeling one's partner, and one's internal desire, one can get in resonance and "make the glass sing."
That's what makes good sex.
Resonance is something that must be felt and can't really be explicitly taught, but here are a few pointers:
1. Slow down. Too much speed is the main culprit for missing sensation.
2. Focus the point(s) of contact. Pay attention to the exact spots on your skin where you touch each other and it will be easier to find what feels good.
3. Take touch. This means you're not trying to pleasure your partner, you want to touch him/her in the way that feels best to you. The magical thing is that what feels best to you will feel best to your partner.
You can expand that into your entire life and notice that in every moment there is a resonant action--an ideal activity, location, speed, and intensity that lends itself to greatest sensation for you. If you can feel precisely enough stroke for such resonance, you can vibrate in every moment.
That's what makes good living.